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better on your floor than ever in my bedi have not slept well without the aid of sedatives since you left.
the dreams are screamers that set my lungs on fire and burn my body to bones and when i wake up, it is in a bed of ashes and i am alone to rebuild.
i am not a phoenix
and i cannot live on smoke.
the drugs, they dampen the ground beneath my feet, the air is thick with the tension before a storm that never comes, and i choke on every breath and wake from drowning without remembering the struggle. the memories elude me. the forgetting is, in a way, worse.
you used to be able to beat down the blaze, to pull me from the fire-pit before i settled in for the night. you used to make me feel safe.
in your bed, with you close, the dreams still came. they didn’t fear you the way they should have. but you displaced them, stood up to them and chased away the dark, and with you next to me, i slept better than i had in a year. because when i woke in the dead of night, when i cried and no one h
Wake-up callwhen you're drowning in an ocean of sad thoughts,
you don't trip out onto the beach:
sooner or later, the waves will sweep you off your feet
and you will be unprepared
when the waters close over your head.
instead, you take a deep breath
and say your prayers
and you dive in.
the quickest way to learn to swim
is to have no other choice.
Lesson learnedShe fell first, and scraped herself up on impact.
By the time you were ready to let to and trust that she would catch you,
she was no longer there.
She picked herself up, dusted herself off, and moved the fuck on,
because she's stronger than you.
And you were left holding the pieces when you hit the ground.
december 2010i am not hungry. i am not hungry. no breakfast. no lunch. no snack. no dinner. zero zero zero
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. food is bad. i don't need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't.
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. must not eat. will not eat. cannot eat. do not eat.
resolution for today: i will not eat.
21 august 2011fat ugly fat fat worthless useless stupid can't do anything right fat fatter fattest you're the fattest in the room everyone knows it too polite to say so elephant in the room surprise! it's you don't blink won't shrink you've expanded again
stupid ugly ropy scars too long too wide too straight too many plain as day screaming CUTTER! everyone can cope but you something broken something missing inc incom incomplete friday need it no place no time no blade desperate desperate bone deep achey sick all wrong fix it in red red ink paperclip? no fingernails? no safety pin? not good enough sharp enough carve enough away can't find red ink roadmap only angry scratch scratch scratches don't hurt enough to help
letter letter need help letter can't do this anymore go back back to cutting starving purging running days on end wired on empty sharp mind sharp blades it all blends together
oh god help me
1:30a.m. breathe.in.breathe.out. quietquietscratchypencilpaper [close your eyes]
don'tthinkaboutschooltomorrowtodayfivehours breathe.in &breathe.out.
strong strong strong strong strong strong strong strong strong strong
i will not be the person she told me i was not weak stronger than you
[just stay strong] have faith magic.words say them enough.times and i can fly
that's right hidefromthevoices can't tell me it's not true
blood on my sleeve talking to yourselfmyselfsomeonenotquitehere [am i crazy?]
1 altoid + 1 stick sugarfree gum = 3 + 5 = 8 good girl good girl
good grief OCDmuch? no wonder theycantell? hate you
get out of here now
*Past and Present*One hundred years ago
When summer cast golden glow
Weeping willows, river side
Cast gentle shade, punts could glide.
Mild, quiet summer day
Strawberry smell and smell of hay
Silken dress on a boat
Shaded by parasol, afloat.
Today loud music rocks river
Weeping willows really weep
T/shirt slogans, blue jean rule
Now we’re noisy but very cool.
Poem for Lou ReedTruly singular, an outsider’s outsider,
He learned well life’s hard truths, and was walking proof that
Your thoughts are only as deep as your faults.
Subjected to psychic savagery in his youth,
His mind took on an ever-changing persona
Always shifting between fame and failure.
A misfit, a hustler, a rake, a transformer,
A rogue, but not a charlatan, an objector,
But not a coward, never a coward.
An expert spinner of verse, he possessed a knack
For feel, impact, attitude, style; he always knew
Which words were those worth the listener’s while.
His means and his methods were fittingly erratic:
He would spend his days crafting curiosities
Only to then neglect and forget them.
What was important, though, wasn’t his works or quirks,
Nor his talent for causing a storm at a stroke,
But what he and his friends set in motion.
They would, unwittingly, forever change the way
We’d hear the sounds the mind thought it already kn
The Beginningons ago, before time and space,
Was born a set of twins who took its place.
One had eyes of daybreak and hair of sun,
The other, hair of night and eyes of blood.
Born to Laelia, Singer of Light and Love,
Husband to Laelius, God who rules with a fitted glove.
‘Twas a difficult birth, screams echoed through the empty world,
But Laelia was never alone or so the story told.
Lucifer was first, life entered with hollow cries,
Laurentius was next, his smiles greeted by butterflies.
Both welcomed with joyous celebration.
Excited Laelius, humans, his creation.
The Twins then never left each others sides.
Except when heavy choices caused morals to collide.
Why I Hold On TighterThe gunshot echoes penetrating the air,
Increasing tensions in military warfare.
Knives that puncture and slice apart,
Fists of rage that damage skin and heart.
Explosions and smoke so sudden and fast,
No time to recover from the devastating blast.
A moment frozen in time after the disease diagnosed,
Tears falling on a body lifeless and comatose.
Car horns and screeching wheels on the pavement so loud,
Two victims of a crash of the rain from a cloud.
Though all of these things do not fill me with fright,
It is to you, my dear, they make me hold tight.
Vulnerable YouthPaper hearts from bright pink tissue meant for presents,
fanciful butterflies from orange dashed cardboard,
five petaled flowers danced around the sentence
of simplicity, ultimately to discard.
Tender thoughts from censored, guarded minds,
boldly do the simple stubby fingers strive to hide
the gift from Mommy, so that she can't find
the secret depth of the darkest snide.
The gentle pressure of acknowledging gestures
even the meaningless thank you cards
meant to send you on emotional adventures,
only to be shredded on cynical hearts' shards.
But it is the thought that counts,
those sweet little eyes haven't yet been renounced.
NeedlesThe meat is cold from bloodless lust
My organs are damaged
Path be taken down range-
-And end with chilling wall
Forest of needle spires climb
My height cannot ask
Deem the stars they point-
-For reverence physical
Destroyed as winter comes
Invested into my stock
I am bought and brought home
With no escape from the lock
Needle sew a coat of iron
Black with the char left by
Remembrance make me a scion
And kindle a soul inside
Lids have shut and no key breaks
I cannot see between blades
Cut the night to ribbons-
-Now banners to losing way
Imposing in my blindness wait
My feet are icy cold
The forward march is death incarnate-
-Though I am numb to catch
A fabric stolen mask and clothe
The boundary pointed shed
Once streamers bleeding dry wove
The semblance of disjointed ends
No try can match the mind at work
For ochre has my pallor drained
This raiment bears a doubting murk
Through glacier impassive face
My asking wanes with setting freeze
The armour frozen bites
A pleading body already w
A Poet's EchoCan poetry be felt in the blood, in the veins
with each lyric being harmonized through dreams slain
Each epic speaking of places both far and nigh
With each melancholic elegy seeping pain?
Can verse performed by thunderstorms in the sky
Be what compels us to express our hearts, to cry?
How many poems have been written using tears
As ink, written until our souls have been bled dry?
Have decades of weeping filled the seas with our fears
And our nightmares penetrated mountains likes spears?
Can a poet's echo resound beyond the chain
Of mortality and fate's tyrannical leer?
Poetic DarknessPoetic Darkness
We are made of waiting—
Bending over, stabbing the chest,
Nothing but bullets and pain.
Then why did I cry today,
When I dreamt your suicide note?
All day long I had been carrying these tears hidden.
You feel as if the music is happily heading
like mountain chains, hurdling ridges, peaks and mesas.
The thought will flicker, and then go out.
A dove wing folded
Is merely bent, beaten.
And then the devil glances into the room.
He’s like a crow in a crowd of magpies.
The saints and the sinners say the same thing:
“Today, like every other day, we wake up empty,”
“Night also sleeps,”
“Desire is a cold drink,”
“Nothing in nature is a metaphor.”
Beautiful, really, the way the buildings fall in.
ApologySticks and stones may break my bones,
A lesson we're taught from the start;
The corollary widely known,
Words can hurt too, they'll break my heart.
I'm sorry for the sleepless nights,
The searing wounds of endless fights,
The unseen scars left by our words,
The painful years of silent hurts.
I'm sorry for the words I threw;
God knows how deeply I've hurt you.
I lie awake and cry at night
And wonder--are you sorry, too?
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More