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CathieSalt-and-pepper hair contrasts sharply with the crisp, starched pillow;
bone-thin arms resemble bed rails--
tears in my arms, the morphine drip in your vein.
My inner rage refutes your calm acceptance.
You ask if we are waiting for you to die: no.
We are waiting for a miracle,
we are waiting for you to heal--
We are waiting for something that will not happen.
We are stretching for something that is out of reach.
We are holding onto our obsolete hopes, the small fragments of our lives
so closely, we cannot see the bigger picture
In a paradox, God is calling you clearly,
but we can't seem to hear His voice--
only the silence ringing in our ears
as the monitor stops
your breathing ceases
your face un-creases--
and, for the first time in years,
you run Home.
BipolarYour gentle gaze like razor blades
Both cut me to the core
The shadows hide the lines you've crossed
Yet still I'm craving more
You're never who you seem to be
I don't know who you are
One moment you're the one I know
The next so very far
This dream in which we used to live
Uncertain now and bleak
Breathtaking as the cloudbreak is
Still havoc storms do wreak
My wild nightmare never ends
I cannot seem to wake
I'm desperate to find escape
Before I finally break
It's not you it's me I say
As hollow as it rings
No longer can I weather this
High time to test my wings
The words fall like an icy rain
Chilling, sharp, but true
Yet though I try to end it here
I'm still falling for you
InvocationSpeak through me, Muse, and sing me the tale
Of that girl unskilled in the ways of the world--
The intrepid wanderer,
Seeking truth for years on end,
Oblivious to the dynamics around her
As others talk with their eyes and dance with their words.
Many the nights she's lain awake,
Living the hurts of her friends, powerless to help.
Trying to save the world
When she can't even save herself.
She wrote dark storms of words
And ascertained the deceptive nature of journals.
She lied to others and she lied to herself.
She learned that sharp words leave scars,
Struggling each day to open her eyes
And walk toward the light;
Yet despite her best intentions, sometimes she strayed:
But hands were there to guide her back to the path,
And hearts were there to share her pain.
Growing and changing and coming to see
That she didn't have to understand humanity to be human--
She doesn't have to earn love to be loved,
And angels can hide in the oddest of places.
Of these trials and tribulatio
Safeshe tells me that they stole her words
marked them in red and wrung them out dry
leaving her shockingly [bare]
so she took up her -sharpest- pen
and she c a r v e d out her words
[close to her heart they'll be safe]
Catch me if you canI’m the anorexic at the local gym whom everybody watches but nobody looks at.
I’m the bulimic at school whom everybody pretends not to know about.
I’m the girl in your gym class with too many scars to be telling the truth.
I’m the kid with her head down in the library who is always “fine.”
I’m the boy who 'fell down the stairs'...again.
I’m the child who doesn't show up for school lunch because it's too expensive.
I’m the teenager living a double life in front of your very eyes.
Catch me if you can.
Losing steamI am fifteen
but my body and
are not mine.
I have scars on my arms
and memories of dark beauty--
bitter beads of blood
slide the knife
unzip my skin
and step outside--
who would I be
and how would I look?
perhaps I'm hollow?
underneath all this--
I'm not actually real?
maybe I was never here
just a dream
or was it a nightmare?
everybody wants me to
act my age
but I'm fifteen
so God only knows what that means.
not a child
not so innocent
not an adult
still too young.
I have to learn to talk to adults
and make phone calls to strangers
and manage my money
and drive a car.
I have to take care of the twins
teach them and protect them
and still be their friend.
I have to grow up soon
but i don't know if I'm ready...
Lucidall this time she's seemed so near
her angel face you hold so dear
she'll find you in that darkest time
her eyes will speak sans reason, rhyme
in time you will remember things
of birds and bones and broken wings
of deadly secrets, shattered dreams
things left unsaid and silent screams
with open heart and open mind
stand in the rain and you will find
that healing lies in these things true
and to remember changes you
Disengage[in some vague fashion]
she was aware of the i m p e n d i n g blow
but time seemed irrelevant [at the moment]:
struck by a strange--elegance?--
as his palm descended [with all the grace
of a tree felled by lightning];
the m.e.a.s.u.r.e.d, deliberate fall,
almost majestic in its resignation--
c u l m i n a t i n g with
a CRACK of thunder and
a bolt of pain.
Chainedi see it in your eyes i see the fading of the light
i see it in your stance i see you're giving up the fight
it's not the end so don't you dare consider giving in
keep your chin up let it show this time they will not win
they cannot keep you down can't see that you're too strong to bend
they say that you are breaking but i say that wounds will mend
love can heal a broken heart and faith can form a shield
against the sharp and cutting words of those who'd see you yield
for they are wrong and we are strong enough to find the light
don't fear the darkness closing in i'll see you through this night
don't be afraid to come to me if you need help to stand
proud and strong you'll prove them wrong i offer you my hand
i will be there for you always have been always will
though they may say that no one loves you i will stay with you until
the end of time please listen close you mean the world to me
i cannot stand to see you chained please let me set you free
ControlControl is everything. Self-control, that is. Control how you act, what you say, what goes into your body, and maybe — just maybe — you'll be able to control you are. Power is addictive; my drug of choice, but it comes at a cost. You see, what you don't learn until it's too late? Sooner or later, the need for control — controls you.
Generally, I’m a good kid. I pay attention in school, earning the high grades that decorate my report cards. I may not be especially popular, but I certainly have friends. I usually do as I’m told, don’t flagrantly disobey rules, and I try hard to please people. I retrace my steps in my mind, searching for the slip — the fall — that landed me here, on this cool, clammy table, wearing not much more than a requisite thin gown.
A crisp knock on the heavy wooden door to the exam room startles me, bringing my attention back to my predicament at hand. After
Wake-up callwhen you're drowning in an ocean of sad thoughts,
you don't trip out onto the beach:
sooner or later, the waves will sweep you off your feet
and you will be unprepared
when the waters close over your head.
instead, you take a deep breath
and say your prayers
and you dive in.
the quickest way to learn to swim
is to have no other choice.
Lesson learnedShe fell first, and scraped herself up on impact.
By the time you were ready to let to and trust that she would catch you,
she was no longer there.
She picked herself up, dusted herself off, and moved the fuck on,
because she's stronger than you.
And you were left holding the pieces when you hit the ground.
december 2010i am not hungry. i am not hungry. no breakfast. no lunch. no snack. no dinner. zero zero zero
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. food is bad. i don't need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't need to eat. i don't.
i am not hungry. i am not hungry. must not eat. will not eat. cannot eat. do not eat.
resolution for today: i will not eat.
21 august 2011fat ugly fat fat worthless useless stupid can't do anything right fat fatter fattest you're the fattest in the room everyone knows it too polite to say so elephant in the room surprise! it's you don't blink won't shrink you've expanded again
stupid ugly ropy scars too long too wide too straight too many plain as day screaming CUTTER! everyone can cope but you something broken something missing inc incom incomplete friday need it no place no time no blade desperate desperate bone deep achey sick all wrong fix it in red red ink paperclip? no fingernails? no safety pin? not good enough sharp enough carve enough away can't find red ink roadmap only angry scratch scratch scratches don't hurt enough to help
letter letter need help letter can't do this anymore go back back to cutting starving purging running days on end wired on empty sharp mind sharp blades it all blends together
oh god help me
Statistics are temporarily unavailable
ApologySticks and stones may break my bones,
A lesson we're taught from the start;
The corollary widely known,
Words can hurt too, they'll break my heart.
I'm sorry for the sleepless nights,
The searing wounds of endless fights,
The unseen scars left by our words,
The painful years of silent hurts.
I'm sorry for the words I threw;
God knows how deeply I've hurt you.
I lie awake and cry at night
And wonder--are you sorry, too?
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`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More