I'm not sure what you can do better, but I just wanted to tell you I really like this. It's brief, but there's so much here. You've got a clear meaning, and it's something that people don't always think about. I like the conversational aspect of it, and how something like this can really create a scene in my head. Not to mention, your title works in really nicely. It stood out to me when I just happened to scan over it. I'm sorry I can't offer any critique, I just thought this was awesome!