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Submitted on
July 20, 2012
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Sta.sh Writer
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skinny jeans skinny jeans skinny jeans for
s
k   but i am TALL and w i d e and heavy
i   and big big bigger than the rest
n   in my clothes
n0T FiTtINg hiding hiding [hide yourself]
n  
y   people  s
            l   trust is gone can't talk to katie cat scratches katie scratches
            e   double agent lies lies lies to me stole my secret mine mine MINE but not anymore
            n   j mad k mad mom and dad mad i am mad and all alone
            d   [no one looking in the shadows:  see that i am all alone]
            e
            r  pretty people fit into pretty clothes

words broken words words f
                         l
jumble mess mess miss    o
him not him gone gone    w    never come back
                         i
                         n
                         g inky <sha
                                 ttered
                                 thoughts>

new school = new people ... out of sight out of mind
losing her too f-a-s-t no more talking [secrets] easy laughter
no more small baby bunnies so so small grow up and -suddenly- gone gone gone
            [disappear like friends]
she has new school new life new friends; gone is lex and bekah bex
replaced replace just no more s p a c e her life is FULL i am not there [no room for me]

F
           F
a
           a
l
           lost in thought
l
           l               f
i
          mind is a dangerous place
n
           n               l of locked and [hidden] doors
g
           g               l of shadows

[tapping?]
p   w   t
h
  o   h
o   r   o    r e l e a s i n g pressure too much pressure
n   d   u                    LET ME GO LET GO LET GO [just make it stop stop stop]
e   s   g
s       h
        t
    out of <options> out of <time>
        s    out of <control> out of <my mind>

she thinks she knows his story [[she doesn't know everything does she?]]
miss him lay awake and think of him running laughing talking screaming: memories thoughts wishes [tears]
[cry at night.]
miss him ... bet he doesn't miss me

paige & ainsley : age & pains-ley <sm>tiny children</sm> grow up too f a s t
[time flies when they're having fun]
no more messy cartwheels lisping laughter rocking you to sleep
then when i think i've finally lost them
ains c r a w l s into my lap when she cries
paigey breaks a brittle wrist bone needs a hand to hold
maybe ... one more year of small?

losing things like friends and kids and stupid grades are s l i p p i n g a w a y
but memories stick - for better or for worse - don't know which - maybe both

skits in class -- irony she says? well here's irony indeed: i am a murderer
words can hurt and some cut like casual knives but no one sees the scars
they make fun of me for being quiet [don't know how much is hiding in my head]

love if held too tightly d i s s o l v e s
                         slips away
                         disappears like smoke
             hold your breath don't let it go
             what if i make a mistake? slip up? let her see who i really am?
                         what if she doesn't love me anymore
                         is scared of me
                         hates me for what i've done & who i've been
keep your distance and don't be a burden [easy just don't be a person]

am i not a real person? but
people are whole.

bad day bad
start again + make a wish and vanish day [should have just stayed home]
do-over day fail at talking fail at writing fail at working fail at life
he asks what is wrong do i want to talk about it ... gentle words slice me open
bolt before you f
                a
                l
                l apart go to bed get up and do it all again

<nail-gouged arms> <rubber-banded wrists> <scraped knees> <scraped knees> <bruised thighs> <sliced ribs> <penciled skin> she SEES mad hands bad hands flat on desk! no hurting no hurting stop stop stop
i want to say: i can't stop.
i make mistakes / i screw up / i fail / i fix [fact of life]
no harm won't last fade away another day
and then i'll start all over again [and again and again]


walking a c r o s s the field wind screams in my ears but quieter that way
                blessed silence [the world is gone]
electric shadow, wild-blown hair everywhere [still not enough wind to pull myself together]

she moves with the l o o s e limbs of a body [remembering] the weight
This is the form taken by my journals one year.

Please do not use without my permission.
Comments are welcome and greatly appreciated. Any feedback is great to hear. What can I do better?
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:iconl0ne-w0lf:
L0NE-W0lf Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012
Wow. Very creative structure.
Reply
:iconvioletense:
violetense Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012  Student Writer
Gracias. My thoughts were pretty tangled up and this is the way they came out at the time.
Reply
:iconl0ne-w0lf:
L0NE-W0lf Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2012
You're very welcome. :heart:
Reply
:iconsikizu:
Sikizu Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That was written really well. The style of it is really amazing. I wish I could write like that... ;3;
Reply
:iconvioletense:
violetense Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks. I wasn't really capable at that point in time of writing anything more coherent than that, but it expressed what I was feeling surprisingly well.
Reply
:iconsikizu:
Sikizu Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah. It's really quite awesome.
Reply
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