Sta.sh
s
k but i am TALL and w i d e and heavy
i and big big bigger than the rest
n in my clothes n0T FiTtINg hiding hiding [hide yourself]
n
y people s
l
e double agent lies lies lies to me stole my secret mine mine MINE but not anymore
n j mad k mad mom and dad mad i am mad and all alone
d [no one looking in the shadows: see that i am all alone]
e
r pretty people fit into pretty clothes
words broken words words f
l
jumble mess mess miss o
him not him gone gone w never come back
i
n
g inky <sha
ttered
thoughts>
new school = new people ... out of sight
losing her too f-a-s-t no more talking [secrets] easy laughter
no more small baby bunnies so so small grow up and -suddenly- gone gone gone
[disappear like friends]
she has new school new life new friends; gone is lex and bekah bex
replaced replace just no more s p a c e her life is FULL i am not there [no room for me]
F F
a a
l lost in thought
l l f
i mind is a dangerous place
n n l of locked and [hidden] doors
g g l of shadows
[tapping?]
p w t
h o h
o r o r e l e a s i n g pressure too much pressure
n d u LET ME GO LET GO LET GO [just make it stop stop stop]
e s g
s h
t out of <options> out of <time>
s out of <control> out of <my mind>
she thinks she knows his story [[she doesn't know everything does she?]]
miss him lay awake and think of him running laughing talking screaming: memories thoughts wishes [tears]
[cry at night.]
miss him ...
paige & ainsley : age & pains-ley <sm>tiny children</sm> grow up too f a s t
[time flies when they're having fun]
no more messy cartwheels lisping laughter rocking you to sleep
then when i think i've finally
ains c r a w l s into my lap when she cries
paigey breaks a brittle wrist bone needs a hand to hold
maybe ... one more year of small?
losing things like friends and kids and stupid grades are s l i p p i n g a w a y
but memories stick - for better or for worse - don't know which - maybe both
skits in class -- irony she says? well here's irony indeed: i am a murderer
words can hurt and some cut like casual knives but no one sees the scars
they make fun of me for being quiet [don't know how much is hiding in my head]love if held too tightly d i s s o l v e s
slips away
disappears like smoke
hold your breath don't let it go
what if i make a mistake? slip up? let her see who i really am?
what if she doesn't love me anymore
is scared of me
hates me for what i've done & who i've been
keep your distance and don't be a burden [easy just don't be a person]
am i not a real person? but
people are whole.
bad day bad
start again + make a wish and
do-over day fail at talking fail at writing fail at working fail at life
he asks what is wrong do i want to talk about it ... gentle words slice me open
bolt before you f
a
l
l apart go to bed get up and do it all again
<nail-gouged arms> <rubber-banded wrists> <scraped knees> <scraped knees> <bruised thighs> <sliced ribs> <penciled skin> she SEES mad hands bad hands flat on desk! no hurting no hurting stop stop stop
i want to say: i can't stop.
i make mistakes / i screw up / i fail / i fix [fact of life]
no harm won't last fade away another day
walking a c r o s s the field wind screams in my ears but quieter that way
blessed silence [the world is gone]
electric shadow, wild-blown hair everywhere [still not enough wind to pull myself together]
she moves with the l o o s e limbs of a body [remembering] the weight
